Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much of this Lucky Charms cereal do I have to eat before I get lucky tonight? Currently on box 37.....

   Wonders why there are so many people with cranial rectal inversion ?

   My support group can outdrink your support group.

   I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...

   I went into Home Depot and asked one of the associates if he thought that these pruning shears would cut through bone. You should have seen the look on his face.

   This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China..

   I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.

   George Zimmerman should change his name to Ben Ghazi, then the White house and media will never mention him again

   Saw a woman pushing a stroller wearing a T-shirt that read 'I hate men', but the kid looks just like her! I don't understand!

   Put your hands up for Detroit.....and beg for money!

   It's wierd paying taxes as a stoner knowing that a portion will be used trying to incarcerate yourself.

   I've had a long day. The last thing I need is brown lettuce in my salad

   Autocorrect just changed "hammered" to "married" so I guess I'm getting hitched tonight.

   I reek of alcohol and poor judgement according to the unknown DNA on the left side of my face.

   I saw a woman put a chunk of butter in her mouth. Then buttered her corn on the cob by rubbing it on her mouth. I think I might be in love.

   I pulled my wife's panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.

   If you're in the mood for a little disappointment & looking to be unsatisfied, sexually or intellectually, give me a call. I'm free tonight

   I'll wear high heels so it's easier for you to hit it from behind.

   Words of Wisdom - As you sow, so shall you reap.

   I hate crickets in the house........except for the one I just killed. He seems alright.