Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont blame some of these athletes wives for leaving them I mean seriously how do you sign million $ deals then go broke in a few years...

   Before you decide to live by the "early bird" policy, find out whether you're the bird or the worm.

   How do homeless people manage to get those expesive tattoo's?

   According to information given to me in my childhood, 1 out of 5 pigs eat Roast Beef.

   At some point we will have to get our clothes on and use our mouths for eating food.

   Damn, it's so hot outside, my flip flops melted into my feet and now i'm stuck in my driveway.

   Damn, it's so hot outside, i'm jealous.

   it's hotter than the backside of Satan's ballsack out there today!

   People with kids, your p0sts are all the birth control I need.

   When cutting my cocaine I always use my medical insurance card. It just feels right.

   In case you were wondering if I smoke pot or not, I just went in my bedroom for my phone charger and left with my belt.

   If someone steals your identity you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

   Pets are so easy to love. They are honest and react to kindness without wanting to know what's in your bank. Humans could take a lesson.

   I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.

   When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

   It's not an eating disorder if you're just trying to fit into your 300 dollar jeans, it's a financial obligation.

   The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don't run.

   Friday night: 7pm. The annual Peter pulling contest will be at St. Taffy's. Everyone welcome.

   If stalking was considered a romantic gesture I'd probably be married by now.

   Sometimes you gotta travel downhill a bit to find the best place to build a solid foundation for the future.