Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a word for people like you and that word is "leave."

   I'm too bad to be an angel and too good to be a devil.

   there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn't fully charged? There should be.

   Yep, back when I was a kid we had hipsters too ...only then we called them douche bags !

   I wish someone could love me as much as I love looking forward to my next meal.

   I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.

   If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less.

   Its already too late for some of you ladies to find Mr Right and I would advise you to just settle for Mr. What's Left or you will die alone.

   Sometimes I notice the way my wife is looking at me and think, "if I could read her mind I'd probably be too terrified to live with her."

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   I also have an awesome recipe for jambalaya,,,,,,, It's actually one of my newest "soup-er powers"..... Drops mic,,,,,, apologizes profusely

   "Well, If I have a good lawyer",,, The answer to the question,,,, Can I bring a gun to a fist-fight?

   Fun Fact: Half of the current value of the US Stock Market was created between 1817 and 2009. The other half was created under President Obama.

   I wish everyone would please stop confusing my issues.

   Life is like a $h!t sandwich. The more bread you have, the less $h!t you have to eat.

   maybe because running a country is NOT like running a business !

   Fun Fact: Half of the current value of the US Stock Market was created between 1817 and 2009. The other half was created under the current Republican congress.

   @piersmorgan I'll give away all my weapons, if you axe Rachel Jeantel to read a letter that's written in cursive.... PLEASE

   Just held the door for an Asian guy. He said "Sank you" so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that!

   I Never understood why people watch porn together while having sex. If I have porn then what the hell do I need with another person?"