Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going all the way on a first date also known as a "Hole in one"?

   It only two dangling thingys and I still dont know which one to pull....-ceiling fans all over the world!

   I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning!" He said, "No. Taking a $hit."

   My goal at work today is "I'M HERE AIN'T I?!" Achieved. Now what.

   Myspace: Died a couple of years ago. Facebook: In the hospital. Twitter: At the strip club throwing ones at the big booty hoes.

   I love bourbon and bourbon loves me. It's the most functional relationship I ever had in my life.

   To the two former Facebook "Friends" who just un-friended me: It was the status about throwing kittens in the lake right? They all had life jackets on..... They are safe & now drying in my microwave.

   Every time I hear Sam Elliott narrating a commercial, the only thing I hear my head is "Don't eat the big white mint"

   Sometimes I think people are not sacrificing everything to make me happy and I don't like it.

   How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?

   If the first thing you see after you die is a handbasket, check your undershorts for kerosene.

   If you don't back up and pin the doctor the wall when he sticks his finger in, it's not a prostate exam.

   I'm searching flights online and I cant find a one way ticket to Poundtown.

   If money grew on tree's, some girls I know would date monkeys !

   Life is a race...too bad I'm fat.

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.

   Kids are fun to be around. Then they start kicking, screaming, drooling, crying, fighting and then you're just grateful they're not yours.

   I gave "Jesus" a compliment once. He thanked me three days later. Jerk.

   He said: I'd like to get into your pants. She said: No thanks, one a$$hole in here is enough.

   I'd like to dedicate my farts to those people that drive slow but then speed up when you try and overtake them.