Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a guy at the gym wipe his ass sweat with a towel then gives it to his friend, which wipes his whole face. I think that's true love.

   Wishing my American friends a safe and happy Independence Day, and a gentle reminder that they were almost Canadians had Canada decided to raze their Whitehouse instead of turning back to Canada for beer. :)

   The way these kids are growing up now a days.. I'm scared for the future of society.. We're all going to Hell in a Handbag!

   It is supposed to snow on the 4th of July but it will be in the form of rain.

   Ever notice that 5000 chanting people is an "unruly mob" when you disagree with them, but "patriotic supporters" if you do agree with them?

   Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

   JAB: M-80's Don't care about your fingers and bottle rockets don't care about your eyes, stay accident free everyone and have a safe Forth Of July. . .

   "How do you think you would like it if the tables were turned?"...... ~interior decorators

   I come from a long line of impatient customers.

   I thought it was corn not rain that is supposed to be knee high by the 4th of July?

   Im sitting on the bus minding my own business, until I pull out my Ipad...Long story short, I have 20 extra friends playing candy crush with me now!

   I hate going to Wal Mart. Every time I go, the cashier always checks me out...

   If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We've been waiting for this all our lives!

   Some guy just blindfolded me and dragged me into a warehouse. I'm still waiting for him to say it's a febreeze commercial.

   Aquariums are a place where fish get to watch you for free but it comes at the price of never leaving

   It's always cracked me up how straight people just get so amused and excited about fireworks .....

   Perfect people are terrible; it's difficult to take advantage of them.

   Obesity is now considered a disease by the medical community. Never before has walk for the cure taken on a more literal meaning.

   I knew I had to go on a diet when I started stealing the little candies out of my kid's Lunchables.

   … remember when you were a kid and would run thru the sprinklers at your uncles house - and he'd dry you off with his big strong arms and tender kisses ?