Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who thinks Bobby Brown knew what he was singing about in “My Prerogative”?

   If I like you, I will make fun of you. If I don't like you, I will also make fun of you. You just won't know.

   I stay drunk because it costs so much to start from sober.

   The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.

   If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?

   Today I feel like hitting free like to everyone post. Common everyone post something!!! This offer is about to end soon

   Garbage men are the least respected civil servants. They work just as hard as firemen and cops, but no one ever calls them heroes. Probably because they smell like used tampons and old Chinese food.

   I may not remember a face or a name BUT I never forget an ass.

   If your ass had a twitter account I'd follow it.

   If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need. Don't concern yourself with how I got in your house.

   I hate when I'm stalking someone and another interesting person comes up and I get confused on which one I should continue to stalk.

   There are many fish in the sea. There are many birds in the sky. There are many animals everywhere. How will that make me feel better?

   I put on my pants like everyone else. Begrudgingly.

   I put seat belts on my dining room chairs because mom's lasagna is THAT good and also I had the same 4th grade teacher for 2 years straight.

   So.... who was the best shooter this month?? A. Ray Allen B. Danny GreenC. LeBron JamesD. Aaron Hernandez”

   My wife said I was immature so I willed my comic book collection to my friend Steve instead.

   this beer sure tastes like Saturday!!

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

   Where can I buy a couple tumbleweeds? It would look way cool to have a few of them following me around the house

   Be happy. Not because everything is good, but because you can see the good side of everything.