Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   no matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster

   I'm playing Nickelback at your funeral to make sure you're really dead and not faking it

   I'll complain about the government invading my privacy,Right after I'm done telling you where I am and what I'm doing on Facebook, and as soon as I post this picture of what I'm eating on Instagram.

   Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.

   Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

   I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.

   No one is as ugly as their drivers license pic or as hot as their Facebook profile pic.

   "I'm a woman, not a sex object" - said a woman to herself as she put on a push-up bra.

   Facebook to roll out hastag suport over the next few weeks. #LookAtMyKid #LookAtMyCat #LookAtMyDinner #LookAtMeAtTheGym #LookAtMyFeetAtThePool #IHateDramaSoHereIsSomeDrama ..... There #ThatShouldCoverThemAll.

   Remember that weird kid who ate boogers in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! ,,Just kidding, He died......... (come on,,he ate boogers)

   No one has higher hopes than a newly divorced man in his 40's selecting his first bottle of Axe body spray

   Don't attack others when the beef is with yourself.

   Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night

   It was a pleasure ruining my life with you.

   Women are like cats. Rub them right and they'll love you, on occasion.

   My idea of a blind date is not removing your blind fold.

   You know How tornadoes only hit trailer parks hard... I'm guessing these Derechos only hit Home Depots hard.

   a police uniform is just another gang color

   Itunes was wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.

   If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos,,, that person is 1% nacho