Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You ever catch a glimpse of yourself at the right angle in the mirror, naked and about to get in the shower and think "Damn, I need a picture of that."?

   Apparently the Colorado and Washington girl scouts are adding a new brand or cookie for sale this year. Apparently its a cheeto's flavored brand called "Baker's delight."

   Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity's sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it's sex. S-E-X.

   No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.

   Only a real genius could say these four words fast without getting tongue tied: eye, yam, stew, peed

   ego boost: put a bumper sticker on the car that says "honk if I'm sexy" & then drive very slow

   I've come to a life altering decision. I'm giving up the guitar, and gonna to learn to play that thing in the Ricola commercials.

   How many Mexicans does it take to knock out Pacquiao.........JUST JUAN

   I just googled, "Gift ideas for wife" One website suggested a cooking class. They must have thought I meant, "Gift ideas for wife if you want to sleep on the couch forever."

   My girlfriend just walked in and called me g@y. If my nails weren't drying I swear to god…

   Dear Santa, is it too late to be good?

   Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they're easier to spot when I go through the bar's lost and found box.

   I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter... C'MON MOM, KNOCK IT OFF! ツ

   The back of my ears smell like parmesan cheese.

   Sorry, parents of ugly children on Facebook, those Christmas sweaters didn't help; just made them uglier in a festive way.

   Rihanna wants to take time off to have a baby. We all know who's "Hitting" it.....No pun intended

   I find nothing more frightening or upsetting than someone saying to me those "three special words"..."Welcome To Tennessee."

   My mother always said "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all." I hope she's happy my mime career has taken off.

   The transition from woman to cougar happens when you go from Marlboro Lights to Virginia Slims.

   Can't wait until they make odorless whiskey so I don't have to be embarrassed when I open my Gatorade at AA meetings.