Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, China. We stuck that Mars landing.

   If someone starts a speech, "I'd like to take this opportunity--," I interrupt by shouting, "He's trying to take our opportunity! Grab him!"

   I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mother in a super market I'm going to panic.

   I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!

   My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming 'Help me, Superman. Help me!' and then I run away, unexplained.

   I guess "Cyber Monday" is NOT what I thought it was. Just got served with 3 restraining orders. :(

   My girl is burping like she doesn't think I'm still gonna try and have sex with her tonight.

   If you search “askew” in google search, the page will tilt slightly clockwise. (Try it now).

   Happy Merry ChristmaHanuKwanziDays

   It's a well known fact... buying cheap toilet-paper can lead to a self violation.

   Ask Goggle to 'do a barrel roll'. Hang on to your hat!

   If you search “idiot” in google search, the page will do nothing. (Try it anyways)

   Missed the winning lottery number only by 6 numbers.

   These spaghetti-o's taste like I don't get paid until tomorrow.

   Ever notice when someone posts a pic of several women, the h0ttest ones are never t@gged?

   The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about.

   I just had a big lunch at Taco Bell... Now I'm off to the woods to prove a point.......... :Yogi Bear

   I'm beginning to think that "love" really doesn't mean much to tennis players...

   Someone should sit Lindsay Lohan down and force her to watch that episode of Saved by the Bell where Jessie was addicted to caffeine pills.

   I would love to be a fly on the wall at this restaurant because it looks like the flies are having some kind of party on the wall!