Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   eating prunes!! Like my day wasn't sihtty enough...

   A stupid, ridiculous, sappy, eye-rolling Hallmark commercial just made me tear up...the holidays are officially here.

   Black Friday... a special time to keep Capitalism in Christmas

   Look, here's the deal: If you're into immature, sexually compulsive women who drink entirely too much and need to be the center of attention at all times..... you are going to like me a lot...

   I went to the store to buy a Hallmark card that says " So sorry you are unemployed and homeless" I am crossing my fingers that you get your house back, sue the bank and never have to work again.

   Did anyone see Anderson Cooper reporting the news live from the heart of raining missles in Gaza. He looked so brave crouching behind the wall of his hotel balcony with his extra white hair....

   I always worry that mankind is going to start World War III solely because we enjoy trilogies.

   the best way to get laid by a Red Lobster waitress is to tell her your the manager at Long John silvers.

   In memory of Mr. Food's passing, I will eat a lot of food tomorrow, and I will inappropriately be saying, "Ooh! It's so good!" after every bite throughout the day....

   I'm firming up my holiday plans. It looks like multiple trips to the kitchen plus an extended stay on the couch.

   I've reached an age in my life where "you shouldn't say that.." turns into "what the hell, let's see what happens..."

   Don't forget to show appreciation to those you're most thankful for this holiday season. You know your pharmacist, bartender and weed guy.

   If you're reading this while camping out in front of Walmart. You're a douche bag.

   My girlfriend just caught me blow-drying my pennis and asked me what was I doing.....Apparently, "heating your dinner!" was not a good answer!

   To all the girls that wear a lot of make up. It's a face not a colouring book!

   Now that we have a cease fire in Gaza, I wish Obama would send Clinton to work on the Hostess/Twinkie mess....

   I'm not doing the 'Black Friday' thing this year. Last year... it was so crowded... I walk out of Walmart with someone else's shoes on...

   wondering why hump day can't ever be as good as it sounds!!

   I often worry that mankind is going to start world war III solely because we enjoy trilogies

   Since the day b4 Thanksgiving is the biggest shopping day of the yr & it's called "black Friday" & the day b4 Thanksgiving is the biggest bar nite of the yr I'm declaring it "black out Wednesday"