Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear some are saying beyonce was never pregnant that someone else was carrying the baby.. I bets its Destinys child...

   I look around when talking to someone because lets face it direct eye contact is weird sometimes!

   Please do not start naming your future newborn "blue Ivy", yellow mustard, dark orchid, pastel white, purple rain, orange caramel or anything that don't make sense; we already hav ppl named after cars(Mercedes, Infinite, Camry, Alexis).

   Rich people can get away with it......Not Section 8.

   It's been an interesting roller-coaster ride for the Republican candidates up to this point, but I have heard that Tebow is favored to win tonight's primary in New Hampshire.

   excuse me ma'am, you have lines of latitude covering your stomach and enough belly button crust for 3 pizzas. please pull your shirt down...

   the only bad thing about having a great status comment....you dont get the credit...lol but you get the likes.

   I'm having such bad luck today, if I was in prison... Then today would of been the day I dropped the soap!

   Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, it's okay, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say.

   wouldnt life be prefect if sweatpants were sexy, mondays were fun, junk food didnt make you fat, girls didnt cause so much drama, guys werent so confusing, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow

   It really sucks being without a cell phone because now I have to give everyone 100% of my full attention.

   I wanna be cool like on TV and walk into a party with a " Taco Bell " 12 Taco Party Pack

   Dogs are like Facebook; fun and interactive. Cats are like MySpace; boring, climb on the furniture and $hit in a box.

   The way to a man's heart is about eight inches inside of anything.

   how much dub would a dubstep step if a dubstep could step dub

   if I blocked you on Facebook...what makes you think I want to connect on LinkedIn? just sayin

   will be back after these short messages from our sponsor.

   Why are pure Vegetarian Women silent during SEX.? Ans: They are in a state of Shock that a piece of Meat can give so much Pleasure.

   As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought... "Just throw the d@mn thing."

   If Al Gore is so concerned about the bloody envorniment why does he write so many books......I guess it's ok to use trees and paper if you are making money off them.....envorinmentalists ....DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE