Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Myspace, the Nickelback of the internet.

   A friend in need is a friend who's going straight to voicemail.

   Never trust a woman with smelly armpits.

   Not everything that cometh your way is yours to keep. Some things are meant for temporary use only. And that applies to people too.

   The best place to survive a zombie apocalypse is where it most likely began. Walmart.

   If Your Hair Isn't Long Enough For A Ponytail Don't Put In One!

   if I took a drink every time Musburger said "Honey Badger", I would have passed out in the 3rd quarter.

   What is the real value of a RAT'S ASS? And why do we refuse to GIVE ONE? If I had one, ur welcome to it.

   Friendship between a fat person and a skinny person must always be viewed with the suspicion it deserves.

   The problem with the whole 'Tebow' thing is the prevalent Christian mentality that god has the time to help Tebow make a miraculous 80-yard touchdown, yet He can't be bothered to save innocent children who are dying of cancer, or are being murdered.,

   If I ever do drag... My stage name is going to be Amber Alert.. That way I'll have everyone looking out for me

   Somewhere in Africa right now, a honey badger is calmly eating cobras, unaware that last night it jumped the shark.

   As boy's we all way's wondered what was in a girl's diary.Now facebook has shown us !!

   Do you ever take a couple of ibuprofen just in case?

   This toilet seat is frickin cold!!

   I play real sports…I'm not trying to be the best at exercising

   There is one vision that gives me constant happiness, your two enormous breasts

   I like hearing how actors shouldn't have political opinions from people who worship Ronald Reagan.

   I don't want to make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the hat I wore in high-school.

   People who bring their own bags to the grocery store always look like they're waiting for applause.