Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That gorgeous moment when you acknowledge the undeniable presence of an a$$hole inside you.

   I don't care how smart your phone is, it's not going to change how stupid you are.

   Earlier my friend said to me. "What's dizzle my nizzle?" So I brizzled his jizzle and now he's in the hospizzle.

   "Things to not say on an airplane?" Hmm. Let me think......................"Islamic prayers?"

   That Chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.

   going to the dark side they have cookies

   Wow I guess David didn't beat Goliath, Tim Tebow did... what a game.

   Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."

   I wish I could dance like a black guy. Or have epilepsy. Either way.

   He ate healthy, stayed fit, very well mannered, and got ran over by a truck.. what are the odds.

   Apparently this guy in the next stall doesn't want his feet tickled.

   Sometimes I just feel like putting my head down, curling my arms in and falling forward to the ground... 'Cos that's the way I roll!

   middle of the night and in my boring backyard. No gold to dig up and no dead bodies to bury...sigh

   Beyonce gave birth by a C-section? Guess she didn't want her thing stretched out

   One time on Long Island I saw an all-Guido adaptation of 'Life is Beautiful' called 'Life is Freakin' Mint, Yo.'

   The music business is always chasing trends. Adele sells millions, so RCA makes Kelly Clarkson gain 80 pounds.

   Yesterday was the birthday of both Elvis Presley & David Bowie, neither of whom have gained any weight since 1977.

   It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads

   Taking my car to get fixed today. I don't need a bunch of little car mouths to feed!

   Enough respect to women who know how to roll bada$$ blunts.