Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could be gay just to piss off the haters

   I thought about going out tonight but am too lazy to take a shower and clean up. Times like this, make me wish Walmart had a bar.

   I don't think we can be friends if you're not mentally & physically prepared to play my gen!tals like a naughty game of "Bop it".

   My goal on Saturday is to spend the maximum amount of time being horizontal as possible.

   Takes one to know one cutie^

   I LOVE sleeping,,,,,, It's like being dead,,, Without all the commitment

   Last time I checked, my name wasn't in the dictionary. Therefore, I can't be defined.

   The guy with the diesel-powered lawn equipment finished doing what he was doing in the nick of time. I've taken my finger off the trigger....

   "Daddy, what's a cross-dresser?" Ask mommy, he knows.

   Smithers, I dont believe in suicide but it would help cheer me up if you tried it.

   Why don't witches wear panties? So they can get a better grip on the broom.

   You this read wrong

   WHAT MAKES A GIRL GO "MMMMMMMMM"?............DUCT TAPE

   God created sex. Priests created marriage

   During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel

   Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope

   She looks like she was rode hard and put away wet

   has noticed the only one in the family still excited about there christmas presents is the dog

   The high school kids must of went back to school...the jokes are getting funnier....now we gotta get rid of the Canadians.

   Fella's let the woman wear the pants in the relationship...their coming off later anyway....