Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.

   A chick who ask 4 nothin will get Everything.. A chick who ask for Everything will get NOTHIN!! #Attitude-IS-everything -

   Pizza Rolls are just Hot Pockets for midgets.

   I pulled into Dunkin Doughnuts drive thru and a women appeared at the window and asked, "may I take your order". Jedi Master am I.

   I hate winter because I can't sniff bike seats.

   Hold on, I'm trying to give a f!ck

   Guys with great penmanship probably jack-off to other men with that fancy writing hand of theirs.

   Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.

   I like enlarged buttocks and I cannot stop myself from telling the truth.

   Toy Story must have been written by a woman. Who else would name their toys Woody and Buzz!!

   bThe awkard moment when the only thing you know on your test is your name.

   Why is driving so hard for some people? I mean, its like coloring! All you do is stay between the f*cking lines!

   That unfortunate moment when you accidentally make a fart sound with your chair... and you spend the next 30 minutes trying to recreate the sound so everyone knows you didn't ACTUALLY fart.

   Everybody talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst.

   A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb

   WOMAN'S LOGIC... Bikini: no problem Underwear and Bra: OMG!!! DONT LOOK!!!

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you picked up a little Mexícan girl and screamed, 'DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!'" @____@

   DEAR SIDEWALK, Please get wider... SINCERELY, 3rd FRIEND WALKING BEHIND FEELING EXCLUDED.

   Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a$$holes!

   you're not fat, you are just easy to see