Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   santa has to be the greatest criminal ever...a million cases of breaking & entering...the police everywhere know where he lives but he knows how to buy everyone of them off with gifts

   Why no one ever pick Santa, or elves, or reindeers as a school's mascot? "Let's go Santa, Let's GO!"

   I used to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies.. Now I am good at everything.

   "On a scale of 1-100 how immature are you?" "69"

   My computer asks "Delete cookies?" Cookie Monster pounds on my door, shouting, "NOOOO! KEEP COOKIES!"

   Flip a coin. Heads I get tail, tails I get head.

   Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me.

   Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes.

   If you want rant and rave go elsewhere, this is for funny material... or I'll hold you down and fart in your mouth.

   Dec 24th , Christmas Eve , the most exciting day of the year no matter how old you are .......

   You should appreciate my sacrasm, if I told you the truth it would be a HUGE blow to your self esteem.

   My New Year's Resolution, like always, will be to avoid a unicorn herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.

   I never realized how easily I bruise until I played Angry Birds with the sound on around other people.

   I just hung a stocking by my chimney but instead of using "care" I hung it with total disregard for human safety.

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary-then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is!

   As a kid, did you ever see Santa claw himself down the chimney and make fun of your pyjamas? My shrink claims it never happened!

   Christmas and St. Paddy's Day are the busy season for midgets.

   I may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I am everyone's great big bag of weed when they come home for the holidays.

   Christmas Eve. As we they in San Francisco: May the corpulent bearded homo sapien in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery.

   The plot in 16 Candles wouldn't work now because Facebook would remind everyone it was Molly Ringwald's birthday.