Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GF: Babe what are you doing?? BF:Nothing much, really tired just going to sleep now hunny and you sweetheart ? GF:In the club standing right behind you

   The weather man (drug dealer) says I can have a white Christmas (cocaine) with plenty of trees (weed) and now I'm happy (broke)

   Make a wish, and only you know it. Make a mistake, and everyone knows it.

   I hate long distance relationships , the fridge is so far from my bed

   Investigate your friends before they investigate you, because some of them work with your enemy's..

   Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, F*ck Kwanzaa.

   broke my personal record for not dying today

   If all the good ones are taken does that make me bad cause I'm single...lol

   White Parent: “you embarrassed your family for fighting at school!” Black Parent “Who won?”

   Harrison Ford is a quarter Jew .NOT TOO SHABBYY!!

   America has just created a new missle called the "Civil Servant." It can't be fired and doesnt work.

   For christmas I bought my girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

   Fringe benefits??? And all these years i've been going around like a moron saying "French Benefits"...

   I got my drug dealer $200 for Christmas and he got me a big bag of weed.

   4 hours and 59 minutes ago I took a 5 Hour Energy shot, so these are my final words as an energetic man. It was fun while it lasted.

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

   It really sucked having to waddle across the room to get a fresh roll of toilet paper with my pants around my ankles......and I don't think the shoppers at Target were very happy about it either!

   Who really has nothing but socks in their sock drawer?

   Sometimes you have to hurt someone's feelings just to let them understand how it felt when they hurt yours.

   Nothing brings two people closer than the hatred of a third person.