Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot, sailor's knot.....I can't do them, but the wires in back of my computer desk sure can.

   .... It's now being reported on the news that Kim Jong Il's very last words before he died were ......... "Hey, .... Aren't you Chuck Nor..............."

   Christmas and booze they both have a lot to do with SPIRIT!

   Cute girls going from "single" to "in a relationship"...WHEN WILL THIS EPIDEMIC END!

   At the rate I am coughing, I expect a "Six Pack" or an "Brain Aneurysm" buy the end of the week!

   Every time someone tells me Happy Holidays, I just want to deck their halls....with a roundhouse kick to the face.....

   Never trust a brain surgeon who keeps saying 'Cool Beans!'

   I'm opening a new restaurant to compete with TGI Fridays called Sucky Tuesdays.

   Wife: "I lost 5 pounds this month" Me: "I lose 5 pounds when a take a dump" Wife: Maybe you should take more dumps

   Facebook may say that we are friends, but I wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the face!

   Someone needs their vote privilege taken away!!

   Call me delta airlines, cause I cant handle your extra baggage

   Dear guy that invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   Giving your friend “the look” when you see someone attractive.

   I ripped a bunch of pubes out on the bus today. It hurt like hell! especially when the chick who I did it to woke up and punched me. :(

   White Kid: For Christmas I got 500 dollars, a PS3, and an X Box 360/

   No, I'm not single. I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future.

   saw the new George Foreman grill in the store last night and the box says it can reduce fat by 42%. It's a lie...I leaned against the box and nothing happened!

   childrens shows should really take into consideration that some kids may not have two eyes two ears and so on befote they sing about it.

   Why aren't mustaches called mouth brows?