Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Year's Resolution? 1080p.

   We all have a "friend" we don't even like..

   Some people just need a sympathetic pat... on the head... with a hammer.

   I mustache you a question. Nevermind, I'll shave it for later

   Santa knocked on my door yelling "Ho, Ho, Ho!" and I told him that your girlfriend doesn't live here.

   I was calm, until you told me to calm down.

   While Lebron is playing for the East, his mom was riding the West.

   I'm a peaceful man, but even I wanted to knockout whoever was blurring booty shots in the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. On any given Friday or Saturday night I'd bet more kisses start with Bud Light than Kay.

   MTV has “My super sweet 16″ and “When I was 17″ what is next? “Officer, I swear she was 18!?”

   Judge your self-worth by how far you can stick your finger up your nose.

   A man on the street needs 50 cents to get on the bus. I feel bad for him so I give it to him. The guy smiles, walks in to the nearest bottle shop, comes out with a beer and keeps strolling down the street. Well played homeless man..well played.

   I overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Facebook than to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me.

   The Revolution will not be televised but a podcast seems inevitable.

   I swear all my tweets end up in an empty room in brazil.

   Found a fruit roll-up in my pocket this morning. Which means one of my kids has a peach flavored blunt wrap in their lunchbox..

   If you get offended easily, I suggest you avoid me like a redneck relative.

   Hey Little Drummer Boy -the Roman Army's hunting us, we're hiding in a barn & the baby's sleeping. Maybe STFU w/the drum.

   Newt Gingrich doesn't just have skeletons in his closet, he has the whole bone army from the 7th Voyage of Sinbad.

   Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won't be listening then either.