Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.

   If someone calls you fat, Don't get angry, just turn the other chin.

   Short skirts have a tendency to make gentlemen out of men. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

   All fun things are taxed... and there is even a tax on sex... it's called children.

   Ladies! I may not have the pen!s of a black man but I do have the toung of a lesbi@n.

   What do you call those little balls of cotton in women's underwear?? Clitty litter...

   Just pushed out a fart that sounded like a toddler screaming into a kazoo

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but none in the stink.

   Relationships are a winter sport..

   does the name Pavlov ring any bells?

   The best thing about having a head shrinker for a friend is knowing that I'll be getting a little head for Christmas.

   you should Y0u.Tube "warriors of goja", sit back, and enjoy.

   I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

   It don't matter if I'm single, complicated, engaged, married or divorced. My friends always like my status!

   In 2012 if you want to stop seeing the same old things..stop doing the same old things.If you want change, you change first;) And don t do newyears resolutions! Have SOLUTIONS for last years problems cuz you will face them again.

   When they gonna get I'm shi#t faced parking stalls at wall mart...especially for the holiday season..???

   I can only get sexually aroused if Ben Affleck is playing with animal crackers on my stomach.

   Personally, I'd like to see Gillette come out with an eight-ply roll of toilette paper.

   Nothing screams jealous insecure trust issues louder than a joint Facebook profile.

   LIKE IF you sign on to Facebook chat & have instantly signed off upon noticing someone online.