Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

   Lazy Rule #8: Why make your bed when you're just gonna get back in it again...;;)

   'LOL, this movie isn't even scary!' *BASED ON A TRUE STORY* 'Oh sh*t...'

   It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk.

   I thought you said Eric gave you the creeps? I like tacos

   I used Suave shampoo this morning and I just tripped over a curb. How long does it take for this stuff to kick in?

   I get one pimple & here I am watching Proactive infomercials & thinking it's a good idea to order. BUT WAIT, there's more!!

   There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I'm sitting through that bullshi@t sober.

   Don't depend on other people for your happiness. Depend on alcohol instead.

   Look, it's time they give Scooby Doo a leash to deal with the "Where are you?" questions all the damn time.

   Do NOT take your kids to the dog and pony show in Amsterdam.

   Polygamy is a lot like Monopoly. You can get screwed but you have to wait until it's your turn.

   I hate waking up in the middle of a great dream and finding it didn't get picked up for another season.

   Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear. I can.

   Begining to question my plans to go boating with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   You know your getting old, when you start changing your grammer in texts..you know "goin' - going, neva-never, ax-ask.

   Just finished a great workout.... curls, lunges, and crunches. Does it matter that it was 12 oz curls, lunging toward a bag of reese's cups, and crunching into cookies?

   anyone gonna tell Americas Funniest Videos that theres youtube?

   Does your a** ever get jealous of the big amount of sh*t that comes out of your mouth??