Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is important to be thankful for little things in life. Like the fact that the world doesn't make a strange creaking noise when it rotates on its axis.

   A smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets depressed. A very smart person realizes how stupid everyone else is and gets rich.

   I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

   Lazy rule number 42: If it isn't on the first page of Google, it doesn't exist.

   Dreams are just fanfictions of your life written by your brain.

   As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I'm gonna try to figure out why I'm so drunk.

   Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.

   Don't understand why everyone is so excited about "breaking wind". Everytime I break wind people just run away!!

   Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.

   Some people look at a mousetrap and just see a trap for a mouse. Some of us look and see free cheese and a challenge.

   I accidentally took my girlfriends birth control pills..... As soon as I'm done crying I'm gonna B*TCH you out....... Oh....... I love you! ♥

   Teens: being tired is one of your personality traits.

   Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!

   Clitoris is such a beautiful elegant word. I'm just a guy with a ballsack.

   The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are...

   WTF. I grabbed somebody sexy and told them "Hey, give me everything tonight!" They called the cops, Thanks a lot Pitbull.

   Does the Make A Wish Foundation provide services for children who are about to be murdered because they poured juice in your lap top? Asking for a friend.

   Gentlemen, for the next 2-3 weeks the best pick up line at any bar is, "What's Call of Duty?" You can thank me at the bachelor party.

   Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children." ...Then the f*cking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

   I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one.