Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NOT ONE of the mannequins at Victoria Secret has an anatomically correct back passage.

   admit it . . . you can't say "go on" without using a british accent . . .

   Once you go black you never go back..... Wait thats not right its...... Once you go black you want your test results back..... Or was it ... Once you go black your babys' on crack ... no no actually it was ... Once you go black you want your dignity back

   just read where Ashton Kutcher is divorcing from his grandmother, how will I ever sleep a sound sleep tonight?

   I got the Moo-oo-ooves Like J. Edgar

   Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police

   I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.

   Now remember kids, if anyone ever offers you drugs, say 'Thank you', cause drugs are expensive.

   if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart...

   I'm black, but I'm not ,24 inch rims, black

   How can my kids rule at playing Tetris, then do such a crappy job at loading the dishwasher?

   I'm gonna try setting up Occupy Wall Street signs at the local theater in hopes that police will arrest all the Twilight nuts camping out...

   twinkle twinkle little snitch...mind your own business you nosey b!tch

   no I don't mind telling you how to go to hell: take a right on kiss my a$$ lane, go straight on f**k off way, then pull in and park at the intersection on bite me road and go f**k yourself avenue

   Now I know why people are looking for intelligent life on other planets! They've given up on this one!!

   “So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?

   Ever notice cops never say "Thanks for speeding and keeping us employed"? How rude. We do our part to keep jobs in America and they can't even say thanks. ;)

   Why does a squirrle swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry...

   Heard they have a new Michael Jackson video game out.....I bet the Pedophiles are gonna love this.

   Girls: If a guy wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs, send him to KFC. You're a lady, not a cheap value meal.