Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.

   Not sure why there isn't a Williams sister sitting on my face right now.

   Los Angeles hasn't changed me. I still put on leather pants one leg at a time.

   The best thing about an ultrasound photo is you can tag any guy you've had sex with in it and he'll think you're pregnant & that's his baby.

   Now taking holiday orders for my homemade body butter. Please sign the release form stating that you are not allergic to Krazy Glue.

   My tweets have been squeaky clean today. Like a French woman's cute little petunia after a visit to the bidet!

   what we mean and mean what we say.. Honesty is the only way!

   Do you know why Californians love Thanksgiving Day?...It's the only time of year they get to see natural breast!

   If you cant take care of a baby, than dont have a baby..

   STARTING a new company, "Skydiving For Pedophiles." Participants must pay in advance. Cash only.

   Midget: *walks into library* exuse me,do you have any books on irony? librarian: its on the top shelf!.....

   There's a styling salon down my street called "Blow Bar," and needless to say, I walked in excited thinking it was something else.

   Dear Climate, Although we're practically 2/3 of the way through Autumn, the predicted high temps for Orlando today are in the mid 80s. Could you do me a small favor and go f**k yourself?

   I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

   No Matter what you do in life, always give 100%. Unless of course you are donating blood.

   A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

   I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow White's heroin addiction.

   That akward moment when you actually see a chiken crossing the road..

   I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.

   Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!