Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anybody know if their is a place hiring someone too stand there and look pretty cuz I have a PhD in that sh*t...

   "Danger" is my middle name!! Unfortunately "Stranger" is my first.

   If I get a tattoo of a grape, in time when I age, will it gradually transform itself into a raisin?

   A wise man once said: You can't be old & wise, if you were never young & crazy.

   The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine. - Abraham Lincoln

   Why the "McRib" which is made from "McAss" and tastes like "McPuke" is so popular, is beyond my comprehension!

   THUNDERSTICK 5000: Replacing boyfriends since... ummm... gee... (scratches head)... ummm... (Googles)... well, ummmm... way before xbox!

   The old lady in line at CVS had a stray thread on her sweater. I pulled it and her entire central nervous system unraveled.

   Some people can kill two birds with one stone.... I on the other hand can kill 2 pigs with one bird!

   Don't stand too close to the heater honey, plastic melts

   Ladies, if you can't be with your crush... always look fabulous. someday he may wanna be with YOU!

   Talking about me behind my back? That means my life is obviously more interesting than yours.

   Teacher: why are you late? Me: why does it matter? you still get paid, right?

   The three things I like most about Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Perry; Number 1. He has great hair, number 2. he has great teeth, and number 3. he has.... uhhh, he has..... ummmm, he has.... ohhh crap, I forget! Is it the EPA?

   To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

   There is only one perfect wife in the world,,,,,and every neighbor has it !

   Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? Its a formality..... Just like two boxers shaking hands before the bloody fight begins....!

   I beleive we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried................ but they wanted cash !

   Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl who loved each other then a slut came and ruined everything.

   maybe the world not ending, is far worse than it not ending...