Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Want to surprise your boyfriend? Introduce him to your girlfriend.

   Good girls get presents, Naughty girls get money. - by Order of SANTA CLAUS.

   We all have problems; mine are just more important than yours.

   People now a days throw the word love around like its a goddamn frisbee! How are you going to start dating someone and 4 days later post how much you love them? B!tch you dont even know them!

   Don't confuse fame with success. Kim Kardashian is one; Mother Teresa is the other.

   CALL OF DUTY. Replacing girlfriends since 2003.

   I love gamers. While they are busy playing Call Of Duty, I am busy answering their girlfriend's call of duty.

   You know your poop was good if a few minutes after you flush, your toilet burps.

   Skinny Chicks that wear long Eyelashes be looking like Mosquitoes'!

   Sorry to say, but if you're celebrating Veterans Day by calling into work so you can stay home and play Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3, then you're doing it wrong.

   To anyone who would risk their lives for their country foreign or domestic, I tip my hat to you.

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

   I hate when the person I Facebook-stalk never updates anything

   Want to surprise you girlfriend? Introduce her to your boyfriend.. :O

   Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your girlfriend

   So a celebrity can just mention a product on Twitter and then they get them sent to them for free? OVEN MITTS!!!

   We Cant Be Together. It's not you, it's me. I can't be with someone who sucks.

   I'd like to thank the TSA for keeping Americans safe by taking that full-body scan naked photo of my Mom.

   Decades of vets went out & sacrificed their lives so you can eat a McRib & complain about how much your country sucks.

   I like to get paid daily and laid daily. Does anyone know how I can combine the two?