Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   today is an agorophobic pedophiles wet dream

   Love is when you look into someone's heart and find everything you need.

   Someone ask me what I was gonna be for Halloween, I said sober. No one will no its me..

   Satan came to me today and asked if he frieghtened me, I said no- not in the least bit, I said I used to be married to your sister...

   sir, you can't take that unopened bottle of diet coke on the plane because it could be a bomb... just go put it in that garbage can over there with all the other could-be-bombs.

   You know when you need a new pillow when you can fold yours into fourths.

   My policy towards g@ys is the same as my policy towards vegetarians. More g@ys means more women for me. More vegetarians means more meat for me. Its a win win situation.

   There's a thin line between genius and insanity, and I'm that line. Genius by nature, insane by choice.

   Roman numerals. What are they good IV?

   In some places in India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitute than it is to buy a condom.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting the "Send" button

   Don't worry and stress too much over material things. Material things are good to have but they aren't everything. Have you ever seen anyone stuff a Bentley or a mansion in their casket and take it to Heaven?

   me without you is like- pepsi without cans, pedophiles without vans, Jersey Shore without tans.

   Be nice to your neighbors.. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good screams and your bad screams..Happy Halloween!

   I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   Nobody likes coming to this gas station anymore because of all the stabbings, but those hardly ever happen before 5pm.

   I was asked it I ever experienced Paranormal activity. I replied " Yeah , my ex girlfriend ... she's possessed by the devil and every 20-25 days it got even worse !!!"

   Treat me right or someone else will.

   You would think that the 4 page instructions/warnning packet for Adderall, would include narritive pictures.