Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my life's story is too far different from yours so please stop questioning and judging me

   Me: "What was your major in college?" Friend: "I'm majoring in Debtology and Unemployconomics. Sure is a lot of students in the classes."

   Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend's status changes to "In a relatiobship"....You: (Damn). A week later, their status changes back to "Single"....You: (Hahahahahahaha!)

   Last Sunday's sermon came from Manchester 6vs1..'and Fergie wept.'..

   Right now what Lindsay Lohan needs more than anything is our caring and understanding. And just a little bit of cocaine if possible.

   Breast Awareness month: we stare because we care.

   Apparently the drummer from Blur wants to be an MP. Yet another politician who wants to live in a house, a very big house in the country...

   Some girls should NOT be allowed to post on facebook during their bye week.

   If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

   "The reason why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

   “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.” ― Rodney Dangerfield

   "I got 99 cookies cuz a b!tch ate one" ~ Cookie Monster

   According to NIKON'S latest commercial that I just watched, "Small is the new Huge!"......I know of a few guys that'll be THRILLED to hear that.

   We all have that one facebook friend that acts like it's their job to keep everyone updated on the weather, current events, and other meaningless sh!t with their status.

   A dislike button on facebook would be cool at first, but it would eventually just cause a lot of controversy and drama. Especially if you could dislike peoples entire profiles. That would not go well..

   How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to each take 200 photos of the event for facebook, clog up your news feed, and later on edit the pictures to black and white.

   How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel??

   Ok, I get it. You want to talk to me! But that doesn't mean that you have to send me 4 texts 8 missed calls, a facebook chat, and a facebook message. I wil respond eventually to one simple text. Go buy some patience on E-bay.

   For Halloween I'm going to wear a pacman suit and chase Muslim women in burkas around the town centre.

   People think the pile of bodies outside my door is a Halloween decoration, it isn't. I've plugged the doorbell into the mains.