Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

   OK...if you're a fish, do you have to wait 30 mins to swim after you eat??

   People should come with a warning label of does or does not wash hands after using the restroom

   Everybody checks their facebook at least once a day. If they say they don't, they're lying...

   Ughh,,,, I was in a house today that smelled like someone died in it ....while looking for someone else who died in it..... After cooking dog farts wrapped in cabbage....

   They should send retirement statements out in different colored envelopes based on gains and losses. That way I don't have to wait to get pi$$ed off!!

   Wanna know the difference between a red head and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist

   if you have ADD & OCD all you get done is getting everything organized

   Due to the failing economy, trick or treaters will be ID this year. I will be giving out candy to the ages of 6 to 9 years of age. Parents with infants, we know the child can't eat candy due to the lack of teeth. Get your own damn candy thanks.

   We all have that face when we try to look happy when we open a birthday card with no money.

   The 5 biggest lies ever told: "I'm fine","Seriously, I don't like anyone", "I swear that was my last piece of gum","I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions", and "I left my homework at home, I swear I did it!"

   Elementary math problems are weird."'I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9 What do I have now?'" Oh, I don't know, DIABETES MAYBE."

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. The Universe is a holographic wave-particle illusion. I licked all your spoons.

   Why do men get lost while out driving? Because don't have a woman sitting beside them telling them where to go and how to get there!

   Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?

   The only thing better than a good thing, is more of it.

   2013: The year the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to comedy.

   It would be awesome to go back to kindergarten as a 5 year old with all the knowledge you currently have and completely dominate.

   Elementary math problems are 2 sided, "If I had 10 chocolate bars and I ate 9 of them, what would I have now?'" Oh, I don't know.. 1 big belly ache?!."

   My son just spoke his first words to me: 'Dad, where the f**k have you been the last 20 years?!' It was so cute.