Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Captain dislike came through and hated all the funny things he cant come up with... some one get the bad news bear some f**kin honey

   I'm thinking about calling child protective services on Mother Nature.

   CNN: The most "rusted name in news".

   misery is God's way of letting you know your on track!

   That akward moment when a Zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you..

   Whoever decided this Halloween candy is the "fun" size is not someone I care to party with.

   Fridge full of food= nothing to eat. Drawer full of clothes= nothing to wear. Internet full of sites=only on Facebook.

   Did ya ever want to throw a breath mint in someone's mouth while they were talking?

   When George Washington got carded he just pulled out a quarter.

   It takes 2 to tangle- Headphones!

   This Crest 3d whitening toothpaste didn't come with the glasses.

   Checking In' on Facebook Places is really just another way of people showing other people how much better their day is/was than yours.

   Admit it, your heart skips a beat when you see the 'number' on the globe icon whenever you login to FB ;o)

   Moving to Google+ after a facebook change is like moving to Canada after an election. Noone actually goes through with it, and even if you did, you wouldn't have any friends when you get there.

   Girls just want to have funds.

   I'm at that stage where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hairline of someone who yells at skateboarders.

   What College did your "Smart phone" go to?

   Michael Vick is gonna DAWG the Redskins.

   Life is sexually transmitted.

   With all the people on my back, it's a miracle I can even walk.