Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate the people that cover up their answers, Like c'mon.. Lets work together bro..

   Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.

   wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"

   watching Benjamin Button for the hundredth time. Never gets old.

   wants to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put push-pins in all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.

   1 tequila, 2 tequilas, 3 tequiklas, 4 teuiqlas, 5 teuiqlsd, 6 teiqulkss, 7 eteiqlas, 8 treqiklas, 9 trwqiukas 10 trewqiÃ...

   My feet must be gross. I can only get the wife to rub them if i'm wearing clean socks, but if one of the kids puke, she will catch it in her hands to avoid a mess.

   I like how after the dental hygienist rapes my gums with a sharp ass needle the dentist complains how my gums look a little swollen.

   I made a hamburger so big tonight the top bun looked like a Yarmulke.

   tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save energy....The last time I tried it I ran over a guy on a moped!

   I think the show "Toddlers & Tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   i can outsmart a lot of ppl on a computer...it's the real world that makes me look like an idiot

   What do you do if your Kotex are on fire? Throw them on the ground and tamp on it.

   Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!

   Laptop speakers... too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

   It's hard to bury the past when you keep digging up old memories.

   the 1st amendment gives you the freedom of speech but the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms

   dont substitute your dreams for the truth. Pay attention to what's right in front of your nose before it's too late.

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end ya get the faster it goes.

   to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I've been turned into a parrot!"