Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that." - Life

   I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.

   Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.

   If ants are so busy, why do they go to so many picnics?

   Don't Facebook your problems, FACE THEM!

   I'm allergic to photos of your cat.

   I spanked myself twice before I left the house today so if you see me being naughty, chill out; I've dealt with it.

   After exposure to the cast of 'Jersey Shore' an Italian Jury has decided that Amanda Knox isn't so bad after all.

   If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance.

   The road less traveled does not have 3G. I'm turning around.

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile

   I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting

   Your Proctologist called and left a message, they found your head!

   just sneezed out a huge snot bubble in front of a client, so I panicked, sucked it back up my nose, and yelled "TA-DA!". Good save?

   My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician!!

   Never mess up an apology with an excuse!

   If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him.... is he still wrong?!

   Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir; I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

   While carving a pumpkin on her front porch swing this morning, my neighbor's smiling 8-year-old daughter looked up at me and mumbled: "On the playground, this is what happens to snitches."

   I may be driving slowly... but I am still ahead of you!!!