Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   Driving on the highway a guy walking on the side of the road gave me a thumbs up I guess he liked my car.

   If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

   She wanted something that went from 0 to 300 in 2 secs so I got her a scale...

   Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don't let the balloon touch the floor"

   Hey, what I do in my car at a red light is my business. Even if it technically did get all over the dashboard and the driver in the next car

   In bed and feeling all giggly. Hehe, cupcakes and boobies!

   Passed out at 9pm. Woke up 10:30pm to sound of wife's vibrator. Went back to sleep.

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich for Halloween and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   Karaoke is always a great idea before the mic is placed in your hand

   k mmmmmmmmmmmmm,7 3 (OMG, MY CAT WROTE THAT, HE'S A GENIUS.)

   Who's the best at Mud Wrestling... Girls from America or Girls from the UK? Only one way to find out... fiiiggghhhtt!....

   It's Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.

   I'm thinking of writing a book. "confessions of a sexed up badger". Fictional erotica about a badger losing his virginity to young girl.....

   I guess more people saw the movie Casino than I thought. I always get strange looks when I recommend moving meetings to cornfields.

   Okay. You have the perfect marriage. Fine. Your grandkids are the greatest ever. Fine. You have a nice car and boat. Fine. Stick em all up your a$$. Fine.

   When it comes to certain people. The best part of them is the part that ran down their daddy's leg.

   After years of watching CSI, I still have never figured out why, when they walk into a dark house, they do their investigation with flashlights. One would think you could do a more thorough job if you flipped on the light.

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.