Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money

   My wife says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   I am dark and handsome. When it's dark, I'm handsome.

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom

   Spread you open slowly Lick you with my tongue Dip you in my milk..... Damn oreos are good!

   FACEBOOK IS GOING TO START CHARGING FOR THEIR SERVICES!!! All money sent should be mailed to my home address.

   Oh NO , facebook will be charging ... Do you know what , if it gets rid of you retards who re-post that rubbish I think it will be worth it ...

   I hope Al Quaeda don't start putting bombs in cans of alphabet soup If one explodes......it could spell disaster.

   guess ima get ahead start and get google+ account because facebook drawlin

   People have got to stop saying "LIFE SUCKS"... because my husband is now saying he wished he had a LIFE!

   Facebook has Peter Principled. It has risen to its own level of incompetence. The cracks are in the foundation. It's doomed. Remember MySpace? Come to think of it. Neither do I.

   Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its a teabag

   When you hear a classic song on TV pimping the Swiffer and you tell your kid you think it's cool, then you are officially a nerdy parent.

   Why thank you for the nausea Halitosis Man!... Hopefully you'll be around to save me with your super powered sh!t breath if I ever accidentally swallow poison.

   Nothing says “I need a swift steel-toed kick to the crotch!” like people who silently watch and say nothing as someone is bullied... Except maybe parents who give their children weird @ss names.

   Dear Picky Coworker, Watching you order and customize every aspect of your entrée even going off menu makes us fear what the staff will do to our food. Keep doing this and we'll spit on your plate ourselves. Sincerely, Your Tablemates.

   What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks.

   What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.

   Zuckerberg for president in 2012.... He knows more about change than Obama ever does

   Just ordered a chicken and an egg off of amazon to see which comes first. I'll keep you posted