Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when somebody claims they are mad at you but won't tell you why.

   the worst kind of illness is the kind others do not see, or choose not to. Only when it's too late do they realize their ignorance.

   ok....am I the only one that sings "Come on Irene" laughs then knows I shouldnt?

   I wait for my cat. His litter box is right beside our toilet. When he shows up we do a synchronized poop, high five and then share a can of tuna.

   you know your a redneck if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!

   My girlfriend said, "I don't know if six inches is gonna be enough for me." Thank God we were at Subway when she said it!

   If you want to insure you work in the field, bring something that needs to be microwaved for lunch :/

   Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"

   REAL Rednecks read bedtime stories using their best "monster truck" voice.

   Apparently the Washington Monument has been damaged. MSNBC says the Washington monument is leaning to left. Fox news says its to the right.

   You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

   They can go ahead and change the name "land line" to "cell phone finder" now.

   Just once I'd like to yell, "You're a f#%$ing disgrace!" without feeling like a hypocrite.

   I'd rather hear my parents describe how they have sex than hear a group of drunk chicks when their favorite song comes on.

   There's a small child trying to talk to me right now. Quick! What should I do??

   I read where it said that having sex burns 4 calories per minute. I mean come on, are you serious? This has to be worng. How was this ever verified? A WHOLE minute??

   's bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation!

   maybe they should make a game for your phone where you can shoot women into the air with a slingshot and try to destroy everything men say and call it ANGRY B*TCHES

   The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst - So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

   Refuses to add his co workers on Facebook, I don't want them to see all the sh!t I talk about them on there.