Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I take very morning that I am able to open my eyes and wake up as another opportunity God has given me to be a better person than I was yesterday.

   Every time I see you text/type "lyk dis" instead of like this, I assume you were that kid that went to the restroom and didn't come back until the end of Spelling and English class.

   Combined "no problem" and "your welcome" to an upset customer ... its not good saying "your problem" at the end of a phone call .. whoops

   If I was a doctor, I'd be so paranoid about catching all the diseases I know about.

   On C.N.N. morning news there has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. Bet this is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   You know it's time to wash your wank sock when you drop it and it sounds like plates dropping.

   Recent studies show that watching Jersey Shore kills twice as much brain cells than smoking a joint of marijuana.... ..I totally agree with that, I've talked to many friends who watch the show and mimic it..

   If someone held a gun to my head I still don't think it would be as scary as almost tipping backwards off of a chair

   Listen to your heart but double check and confirm with your mind.

   Dear Lord please grant me one day of freedom from the law so I can set a few people straight :)

   Admit It, At least once in your Life, You Have Tried To Squeeze your eyes Shut and Shoot Lasers Out of them With Intense Concentration.

   If you're a thug driving a luxury SUV fully customized, don't be surprised when I question the legitimacy of your income.

   Lady Gaga taught me its okay to be different. Ke$ha taught me to be myself and not care what anyone else thinks.Bruno Mars taught me to do anything for that one person I loveMost importantly, Rebecca Black taught me the days of the week.

   Did you know that 98% of Ford trucks sold within the past decade are still on the road today? The other 2% actually made it home…

   These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.

   Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

   "Vodka, Bourbon, Tequila!" - Me calling the shots.

   If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast.

   Maybe Congress should try a Bake Sale.

   The reason women ask so many questions is because they have an extra why chromosome.................