Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your vacation sucks when you're constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.

   In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...

   Please don't make me go all CAPS LOCK on your a$$.

   A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident,

   sexy, seductive and invincible ...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind

   I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...

   For all you crying babies that don't like "government",or "government is to big",move to Somalia,no "government there for the last 20 years

   Just like a magnet, you can always link a postive to every negative.

   I won't say this Jack in the Box is dirty, but there's a sign in the restroom that says "Employees Must Wipe Their Asses."

   the only time "looks aren't everything" is when your credit score is higher than 720

   Talk about others and you're a gossip. Talk about yourself and you're a bore.

   There are three very important things you can always give but still keep at the same time...Your word, a smile and your heart

   You ever had a gut feeling about having an empty stomach?

   Though accurate, "I Need Sleep Or I'll Kill You," doesn't have quite the same ring as "Beauty Rest."

   You know, even after all these years, Stacy's mom has still got it going on.

   Ok I understand Food Stamps are for people who can't afford food. I can't afford GAS where is my fuel stamps???

   In the 80s and 90s we had Government Cheese. What is next Salami?

   Can't wait to see whatever movie they're filming in London right now. Looks bad ass.

   If Dippin Dots is, in fact, the ice cream of the future, then is it safe to assume the future is terrible?