Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I only "chase" women from the couch to the bedroom.

   I must say you really have an open mind. And a mouth to match

   Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.

   there a national do-not-call list for friends and family yet?

   It's a difficult day for me today. Today is the day I tell my dog that I am not his biological mother and that his real mother was a b!tch.

   How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?

   Why is it when you get chineses takeout they give you 147 packs of duck sauce but you damn near gotta beg for 3 soy sauce packs......80% of your menu needs soy sauce..even the duck platter

   A new study shows colon cleansing may have adverse side effects, but I have a feeling they pulled that finding out of their ass.

   Girls here's an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.

   The worst place to be in the world is that place where you are not exactly sure of where you stand in someone's life and what you mean to them.

   My wife is leaving me because she says I always make stupid comparisons. I feel like a balloon in a glove box..

   She waited at the photo counter, yearning in her eyes, as she told herself, "someday my prints will come."

   My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...

   Banana peel. Coffee grains. Pizza crust. Beer bottles. Empty cans. Paper plates. Bill envelopes. Don't mind me everyone. I'm just talking trash...

   Would it kill you to just get this right for once? There, Their, They're - There is a place, Their is something that belongs to them, They're is short for They Are

   I've just discovered that I'm neither a lover nor a fighter...I'm an eater.

   I didn't even want sex out of the deal. I just wanted a nice sandwich.

   She goes down faster than power windows

   Her legs are like the waffle house.. Open 24/7 but people only eat there when they're drunk

   The only thing standing between me and greatness is millions of people who are more talented and want it more.