Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1712 of 6453

Just heard about the death of one of the biggest stars of our time. We all knew they had it coming with the pale white skin and slits for a nose, they'll be greatly missed. RIP Voldemort...
←Rate |
07-25-2011 04:16 by Harry P
Comments (0)

Who else thinks ambulances and fire trucks would be more efficient if they played "Move b!tch, get out the way" instead of using a siren?
←Rate |
07-25-2011 04:56
Comments (0)

We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield
←Rate |
07-25-2011 04:58
Comments (0)

Statistically, I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to hell in multiple religions.
←Rate |
07-25-2011 04:59
Comments (0)

if anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us.
←Rate |
07-25-2011 07:58 by Zep
Comments (0)

I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive
←Rate |
07-25-2011 08:12
Comments (0)

The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
←Rate |
07-25-2011 08:31
Comments (0)

A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69
←Rate |
07-25-2011 08:56 by Confucius
Comments (0)

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
←Rate |
07-25-2011 11:15 by CJ
Comments (0)

I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
←Rate |
07-25-2011 11:45
Comments (1)

sitting here at my command center wondering which country I will systematically destroy today... ~stroking my beard~
←Rate |
07-25-2011 11:50
Comments (0)

just set up an eMeeting with myself, but it was a no show
←Rate |
07-25-2011 12:09
Comments (0)

After suffering my 5000th stubbed toe, I believe now is the time to invent "Nerf" end tables!

Don't think of yourself as a failure, think of yourself as unspoiled by success.

Sinners can undoubtedly be reformed, but stupid, stupid is forever.
←Rate |
07-25-2011 13:23
Comments (0)

If a robber ever breaks in, I'll just pretend to be one too, and we'll laugh and hug and he'll leave because I have first dibs.
←Rate |
07-25-2011 13:23
Comments (0)

I may not have 'hoes' in different area codes but I'm pretty sure I've left a phone charger in most of them.
←Rate |
07-25-2011 13:27
Comments (0)

Excuse me underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...
←Rate |
07-25-2011 13:39
Comments (0)

worried that my latest Goodwill donation will result in homeless people looking like sluts from the 90s
←Rate |
07-25-2011 13:42
Comments (0)

When you start working on your own manifesto, its time to go talk to the professionals in the mental health industry.
←Rate |
07-25-2011 13:45 by flinnie
Comments (0)