Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman's boots...

   You seem to resemble a feminine hygiene product one might typically use on a summers eve...and the bag it came in.....just sayin!!

   Dear Android developers,Could you please stop making new phones for just a little while not too long but just a little while so I can experience contentment with the phone that I have ..ps I cannot afford to buy every phone you make.

   the New Facebook Chat! You have friends Online.. But you have to guess who more then half of them are!"

   There's a move to divide California into two states: The state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy.

   Please copy and paste this as your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone that may know someone who knows anyone. If you don't know anyone, or even if you've heard of anyone who doesn't know anyone that doesn't know someone

   Note to self; don't take a nap with worlds wildest police chases on.....you get some CRAZY dreams!

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts, it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone.

   Wow! You breathe oxygen too? Guess we have a lot in common.

   dont you hate it when you grab the last Capri Sun pouch and theres no straw to attached it with

   Confucius says, It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

   Apparently I have "Sucker" written across my forehead that only women can see...well played XX chromosome, well played indeed...

   The love you can't have lasts the longest...feels the strongest...and hurts the most.

   Took off all the straws on my kids Capri Suns and threw them out the window on my way to work.....THUG LIFE!!

   Seems those who wear Princess, Sexy, and MILF on a T-shirt...usually are NOT.

   Inception just umm... my head kind of... I hope this isn't a dream...

   Arguing with your Boss is like fighting a pig in mud. In the end , you will get dirty and he actually enjoys it.

   When life hands you lemons, make apple cider. Because life will be expecting you to make lemonade, so you'll have the element of surprise. Then you can be all "yeahhhh son, whatchu got now, life?? Nothing! You got nothing!"

   can't spell "female" without "fml"..

   INSTALLING RAIN FOR TEXAS ████ 44% DONE... please wait. Installation failed. Please try again.404 error:Rain not found. Weather "Rain" cannot be located. The weather you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed or temp. unavai