Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Casey Anthony wants to be out of jail by Halloween, so she can dress up as a woman who didn't kill her baby

   if your not first your last!... Ricky Bobby.

   If your woman is overweight, carry her on your back then suddenly fall. That way she'll know she needs to cut back on the fast food without you ever saying anything.

   happy to see that Octomom's Today Show interview cut short by the space shuttle launch. Why is she still on the news? It's not like she killed one of them, did she?

   First Zuckerberg steals the concept of Facebook now he tried to steal Steve Jobs way of presenting....

   I can never hear the song Bohemian Rhapsody and not think of Wayne's World.

   It's not everyday you see a color you have never seen before.... The flame under Atlantis was an indescribable.

   please do the world a favor and do not park your vehicle like you park your fat ass

   why is everyone in love with their hair these days? I hate my hair ..cause it's so FREAKIN AWESOME!!

   Hmmm....not quite sure who I'm doing this weekend yet.

   When I see someone driving the same car I'm driving, I always peer in to make sure it's not me from another dimension.

   In her defense my mom used to say "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it"...

   Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.

   I wish people were like money,so you could hold them up to the light to see which one's are real and which one's are fake.

   Guys, she makes you guess what's wrong, so you unknowingly give her other sh!t to be mad about too.

   Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your relationship status to 'single' and wait 5 minutes.

   My co worker asked if I could help file some documents. I said I was working on a huge project while she watched me play solitaire.

   Next time you try talking to a group of people who claim they can't speak English, just say, “Ok, I'm about to punch everyone who's shoes are untied.” You'll be amazed at how many people will look down.

   Sometimes I regret bringing sexy back.