Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this status update is dedicated to all the status-less people out there, stay strong

   USED CAR FOR SALE CHEAP !!! Drives great, Low Mileage, Car trunk smells like chloroform and dead animals. Contact: Casey Marie Anthony, Inmate #08049710, at Orange County Jail, P.O. Box 4970, Orlando, FL 32802-4970, or call (407) 836-3400

   Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

   If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.

   Scrolling down your Facebook News Feed can sometimes be just like scrolling down the spam folder in your yahoo mail.

   I wish the world were a fly and I was a giant rolled up newspaper.

   went to a movie tonight with 18 blonds!!! they said because 18 and under was not allowed

   How do you stop a man breaking in your house?? Replace the locks with bra fasteners.

   It didn't look that hot from inside, but as soon as I stepped outside, it was like Satan farted in my face...

   When David Beckham scored, I'd drink BECKS, when Paul Scholes scored, I'd drink SKOL, when Kenny Miller scored, I'd drink MILLER. Thank God David Seaman played as a goalkeeper!

   Men: 99% of the women you will meet take antidepressants. Just accept the fact.

   If you don't like Mexican immigrants, then you go pick oranges for $5 a day.

   Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend's head...

   Am I the only one who saves all the marshmellows in my bowl of Lucky Charms for last?

   Thanks to "2 girls, 1 cup" I can never eat chocolate soft serve ice cream again.

   Dear person who comes into a restaurant 5 mins before closing: Please burst into flames and die.

   I love God. I just don't like the peope who work for him.

   I am Gadaffi stressed right now.

   I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the nuts, Press 2 to burst into flames and die or Press 3 to go to hell.

   Certain people think they are way more important then they actually are. Especially where I work.