Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hear about Sarah Palin and Michelle Obama posing nude for magazines lately? Yeah Sarah Palin was seen in playboy and Michelle Obama was discovered in National Geographics!!

   You know you drank too much last night when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator.

   If you look at life like a piano where the white keys represent happiness & the black keys represent sadness. As life goes on you realize the black keys make music too...d;^)

   There are no automatic doors. Just gentlemen ninjas.

   Q: What do you have when Hillary Clinton is at the beach buried up to her neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

   Just like a baby I like to drink my dinner from a bottle.

   Getting some cans of gas to make this years homemade fireworks show more entertaining.

   Apparently if you have my good looks and go to a nude beach everyone gets jealous and they make you put your clothing back on.

   They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-Loved"

   Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me."

   she may be from Kentucky but she is still one hell of a throat yodleler...

   If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong.

   Nothing says your celebrating the birth of our Nation, like the smell of Gunpowder and Beer..

   A*s....its the theme of the day! I feel like it, look like it, hopefully don't smell like it and probably am one!

   No no no .... They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-F*%ked"

   Succubus (noun): is a female demon which comes to men, especially bachelors, in their dreams to seduce them and have sexual intercourse with them, drawing energy from the men to sustain itself, often until the point of exhaustion or death. This legend was

   eating bacon with Mohammed.

   How many BBQ's do I have to get drunk at to prove I love America????

   firing bottle rockets at blue hairs wearing 4th of July Snuggie's!

   I told my wife the succubus did it, she still slaped me..