Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've gotta come clean... that's why I jack-off with Purell

   My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

   I wonder if those guys who stand in the corners and flip those billboard signs around all day actually applied for that job or did they lose a bet?

   When will women ever learn? Never hold a man to what he says during sex. It's not even him talking, it's the prick in charge.

   Women, you can't live with them, and they can't pee standing up!!!

   Arguing on facebook is like the special olympics, even if you win your still retarded

   I find it odd when you are at the store and the teller hands you the receipt and says " there you are" and I respond " yes I have been here all along.. it was me that put the stuff on the counter.."

   85% of women go through life with the wrong bra size. Meanwhile every guy over 17 can tell you the exact measurement of their d!ck. Who's smarter now ladies?

   Ron Artest is changing his name to Metta World Peace. How stupid. Something intelligent and original would be World B Free.

   I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.

   Okay ladies, exercise your suck muscle ladies, it's Friday Night!

   Intelligence Report: Pakistan may have contributed in housing and hiding Bin Laden. Did it really take an Intelligence Report to figure this out?

   Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

   My drunken Uncle always says, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go everywhere

   I may not be able to walk straight, but I can drunk dial... Like a boss.

   Happy TGIF to all you hardworking homemakers...(hey, its cheaper than flowers)

   There is a thin line between spirituality and insanity.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.