Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My next house will have no kitchen—just vending machines and a large trash can.

   Proof of insurance Officer? Of course didn't you see my two State Farm stickers on my bumper?

   Thanks to Bo-flex, I've gone from 'obese' to 'prefer not to say' on my plenty of fish account!

   you know the recession is bad when wives are having sex with their husbands cause they can't afford batteries.

   this update is brought to you by, The Retirement Planning & Consultants of Fishmore & Dolittle.

   Saw the Goodyear blimp today. It read "ICE CUBE NO LONGER EVEN REMOTELY A PIMP".

   The three KINGS that bring joy and hapiness to my life: Smo-King, Drin-King & Fuc-King

   a smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness and a friend like me...well...that's a sign of good taste.

   When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there

   If I were a Miss USA contestant, my go-to answer in the Q&A segment would be "Who cares? Did you see my rack and smile combo?"

   I have an irrational fear of parking by a dumpster at night because I think a gorilla will jump out of it.

   It's funny how people start paying attention to you when start giving them the silence treatment.

   My Life: Find out who's looking for you online for free! Ummm...guess they haven't heard of FB?

   I hate when you play Call of Duty before bed and then you toss and turn all night dreaming about playing. I was so tired this morning that I thought I needed a Claymore by the bathroom door when getting into the shower.

   first day of summer and longest day of the year. Will this day ever end!

   She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.

   Famous Marilyn Monroe dress sold for $4.6 million. I bet Joe DiMaggio sent more shots against that dress than the wall at Yankee Stadium!

   When asked by reporters what he had planned to do on his wedding, Heff said he planned to watch a movie, runaway bride because it seemed appropriate.Really? I guess so. I would have thought A Weekend at Bernie's or Cocoon. :P .

   chugging scalding Hot Lava just to cool off....

   Today's weather in Cali....hotter then 5 fat girls in a min cooper with no a/c