Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking @ a homeless guy on the bus, how does he know where to get off? ;)

   feels like a playa... just eye-f**ked these hot twins for a solid 10 seconds and I don't even know their names.

   My neighbor is always talking about the paranormal. Wonder what she will have to say when she finds out I put Mentos in the bird feeder and Diet Coke in the bird bath.

   I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.

   You know why there are no wal-marts in Afghanistan? Cause theres a Target in every corner...

   Like this status if you're a non-comformist.

   may not be a millionaire yet but I figure what I have in my pocket combined with 3 vehicles full of gas puts me pretty damned close...

   I can't hear you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question

   If I actually did "live like there's no tomorrow". I'd be in jail.

   ..that WINNING but than instant LOSER feeling you get when a girl sends you a sexy pic, and you look at the message details only to find that their are 9 other numbers above yours...awkward...

   Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

   Breaking News: Jamie Lee Curtis to star in new horror movie about a haunted yogurt shop. It's called Paranormal Activia.

   - A blonde text me and said "What does IDK mean?" I text'd back "I don't know." She then text'd me "Dang that sucks nobody knows!"

   wearing flip-flops, a tropical shirt, and smoking a joint with 3 hippie-chicks between renditions of kumbaya...anybody care to join?

   just figured i'd remind everyone that tomorrow is friday the 13th so if your luck is anything like mine call into work, wrap yourself in bubble wrap and lock yourself in your house

   I've overcome my fear of Friday the 13th, since I don't think my luck can conceivably get any worse!

   (_8(I) - Tilt your head to the left. Who does this look like?

   A man posted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

   Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.

   This guy knocked on my door today askin' for a donation to the city pool... I went away & came back w a glass of water.. Is that wrong?