Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please allow me to illustrate my point: .

   come on playstation network you were hacked and have been down for 5 days, learn from Jesus, he was crucified and only down for 3 day

   Be careful in who you choose... and careful what you fall for.

   I've got five fingers. the middle is yours.

   can't come into work tomorrow due to Canuck Hangover

   People are talking about the oil companies profits. People need to be talking about the fed government income from the gas taxation. Talk about being appalled and they don't do anything but collect money...

   was thinking tonight, if your parents sent you to school with a giant "lunchable" pack for your lunch everyday, they didnt love you

   I can use facebook for things other than finding a partner now that I can count on the gas pump to screw me

   Boys make excuses. Men make changes!

   You can not even fathom the immensity of the f*ck that I don't give about the Royal Wedding....

   Dear inventor of the double doors, we thank you!........your biggest fans, Fat People

   What the hell are chocolate diamonds good for if I can't eat them?

   Don't you wish, that Kate somehow watched "The Runaway Bride" last night, over-and-over again!!!

   If heaven is gonna be full of religious fanatics n 'holier than thou' people, I am not going...

   I'm at the wedding, you guys just can't see me because I've got one of those weird hats on.

   When people say “I'm not getting any younger!” I wonder what other basic life concepts they just figured out

   woke up to the sound of ANGELIC SINGING! I thought I died and went to heaven! it was just MY MOM had the ROYAL WEDDING ON FULL BLAST IN THE HOUSE!

   Can't wait for the Royal Wedding to become available on Bluray with alternate endings and unseen footage

   Well darn , looks like William and Kate are not registered at Walmart . Looks like I won't be able to get them that 48 pack of Orville Redenbacher

   Yellow Starburst are like the fat kids in gym class. Always picked last and no one really wants them.