Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   living the dream ...one fist pump at a time

   by the end of this week, most women will "wake" up from that royal wedding...

   Yesterday, Jesus, son of Mary arose from the dead. This morning... Bob, son of Joan... did not fare as well.

   There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

   Can anyone find me a link to some coverage of the Royal Wedding? I wonder what's happening... [/sarcasm]

   Trying to find your phone when its on silent is one of life`s hardest tasks.

   Ceilings were just ambitious walls.

   There are some days just aren't worth living... Wait, that sounds morbid... What I mean is Mondays suck!!!

   This morning I thought i'd play a little joke on my girlfreind so I swapped her tampons with party poppers... Absolutely no sense of humour that girl.

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else You are the one who gets burned” –Buddha

   caught sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets. Now I'm gounded.

   I hate when my hairdresser tries to sell me products. I nod as if I like my hair being spiked and then when they go to ring me up they ask if I want the gel and I have to awkwardly reject them as a person.

   Big trucks should only be allowed to drive in one lane and we will call it the sucky driver lane

   Hide yo pot. Hide yo pipes. 'Cause they arrest'n erry body out here

   God, when I said make it rain on me, what I meant was shower me with money like a stripper, not the weather

   Dear CNN ... NBC News .. Fox News and AP ..... I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a sh*t about the royal wedding and go back to sleep...

   We never do anything nice and easy, we always have to do it nice and rough.

   Someone please take these chocolate eggs away from me!!!! There's no more room in my jeans!!!

   Justin Bieber is the real reason why Ricky Martin decided to come out of the closet

   I would love to one day use the term "blood, sweat and tears" and have more than just the "tears" part be true.