Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a big fart........You come into the world, make a big stink, and then you just fade away!....

   When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head, it was tough being brought up in the gateau.

   sometimes feels like going up to people who have just been seated at a restaraunt and say "Just to let you know, the last person that sat here threw up on the table"...

   my idea of a drinking problem is not having any booze to drink.

   oly crap! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.

   When I die, i'm gonna have a "like" and "dislike" button on my gravestone. And just a word of caution: If you think its gonna be funny to push the "dislike" button, wait till you see what you look like when all the voltage passes through you...

   there is no validity to greatness achieved if not accompanied by humility....jr

   there are three little words I love to hear, that remind me how amazing the world is, and always makes me smile: WELCOME TO WALMART!!!

   You put a black man in the White House and they give the country a negative credit rating!

   Just Unfriended a Facebook Friend on their Birthday… that takes TRUE GRIT!

   We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong reason. But one thing is sure, mistakes help us to find the right person!

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

   In a perfect world you would be able to mark people as spam in real life.

   For my assignment to do a paper on Nihilism, I turned in a beige unruled blank page with my name on it. When I got a "C" I could FEEL the irony. Then I found out EVERYBODY got "C"s. Well played, professor.

   , you know something is wrong when THIS GUY has better credit then the US government!

   I will never eat a foot long corn dog at the nude beach ever again

   A rumor goes in one ear and then out of many mouths.

   Mondays are part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

   i farted at work today, and a co-worker complained about the smell. Its air passing over $h!t what'd you expect it to smell like?!

   Have you even seen an airplane landing without wheels? I never knew legs could kick that fast.