Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!

   Dear Mother Nature, I know you've been on the rag lately, but could you please put a cork in it?!?! Thanks

   Todays suggestion...Someone just KILL terry jones,so more people dont die because of HIS stupidity. Like the GOVT hasent done it in the past,US citizen or not. Hell I'll do it,just give me the go ahead.

   Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, SHE'S UP"!

   Whenever I talk to Canadians, I wonder if they can tell I'm thinking, "Damn, those-hockey-loving-white-Mexicans, they got all the good beer.....".

   Dear Mother Nature, I know you've been on the rag lately, but who lit the fuse on your tampon?!?!

   Time is your most precious gift, you only have a set amount of it. Time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

   What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

   Get robbed on the street by a stranger, it's called a mugging, get robbed by your government, and it's called "taxes" ;)

   "You are the sun and I the moon. I am the sea to your shore. In your arms I've finally found the love I was searching for."

   The controlling force of all the corporate propaganda, religious guilt, and governmental coercion shrinks to insignificance in the face of a single human being with a profound belief in a revolutionary idea.

   if you need a quick ego boost.... watch an episode or 2 of intervention on A&E... I feel great now!

   husband for sale...comes with xbox controller

   People think that I'm too patronising (to put in terms that you'd understand, that means I treat them like they're stupid).

   I neverr get jealous when I see my ex with someone else because my parents taught me to give my toys to the less fortunate

   This just in Mr.Cee & Bishop Eddie long got the leading roles in "Brokeback Mountain 2" it's directed by TAKE IT TO THE FACE !!! productions.

   Cops never say "thanks for speeding and keeping us employed". It's just plain selfish.

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

   I fight evil wherever it may be….except in dark, scary places.

   That awkward moment when you chilling in a park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging the piano ;)